Secret Hideout of the
Cigarette Smoking Man
All of them appeared suddenly on the floor at CSM’s feet. He lit a cigarette
and waited patiently for them to get to their feet. There were a lot of “Ows”
and “hey watch its,” as they all accidentally stepped on each other
trying to get to their feet.
Mulder was the first up. “You were behind it all along,” he said to the CSM.
CSM shrugged. “Duh,”
“I
know why, too,” said Mulder. “Obviously you saw how close I was
to proving the existence of extra terrestrials, so you killed Doggett to distract
me,”
CSM took a smug drag of his cigarette and nodded. “You certainly do have
it all figured out, don’t you?”
Mulder nodded proudly and CSM smacked him upside the head. “You don’t know shit, moron,” said the CSM. “Now, I could tell you everything, but I’ve seen enough movies to know that as soon as the villain does that, his adversaries are guaranteed an escape. So I’ll just have Ratboy kill you now.”
Ratboy withdrew his wand and Mulder drew his gun at the same time. But Mulder dropped his gun immediately and Ratboy yelled “Avada –“ before Scully tackled him to the ground. Ratboy changed into a rat, scampered away from her, then returned to his human form. But that had given Ron, Hermione and Harry enough time to grab their wands. Each of them pointed their wands at Ratboy and said the first spell that came into their heads.
“Eviscerate!”
“Vibrate!”
“Accio Big Mac!”
The
result was a blinding flash of light and Ratboy’s screams, though they
sounded as though they might be miles away.
When the light subsided, they saw that Ratboy was no longer there. On the floor in the exact spot he stood was a hamburger that twitched back and forth, surrounded by a pool of blood.
Mulder picked his gun up, took careful aim, and shot the burger. It stopped twitching.
“Bummer,” said the CSM, taking a drag. “I liked him better than that Wormtail fella.”
They all turned towards the CSM. “I want some answers,” said Mulder.
CSM raised his eyebrows. “Yes, you FBI agents do seem to like your answers, don’t you? Your friend Doggett told me he wanted the same thing right before Ratboy killed him.”
His words got no reaction.
“I’m saying I had Doggett killed,” said the CSM. “Isn’t that what you wanted to hear?”
“Who cares about Doggett?” said Mulder. “I’d have done it myself eventually. You just saved me the trouble.”
“Oh,” said the CSM. He’d been hoping his words would have a more dramatic impact. “Well, what other answers do you want?”
“This is part of a bigger plan,” said Harry. “We want to know what that plan is.”
“There’s no bigger plan,” said the CSM. “I was just bored, that’s all.”
“I don’t believe you,” said Scully.
CSM sat down in his chair. “You want to see something you won’t believe? Wait until my Polyjuice Potion wears off.”
He
sat calmly, taking another drag, watching the minutes tick by on a clock on
the wall.
11:17pm.
11:18.
11:19.
11:20.
“You know, I was thinking it would’ve worn off by now,” said
the CSM, noticing that everyone else in the room was growing impatient waiting.
11:21. Suddenly, CSM went pale. He dropped his cigarette on the floor and
the hair on his head started falling out. His face sunk in, his arms and legs
grew thinner, and his eyes became bigger and darker. His lips disappeared,
leaving only a small mouth, and his nose sank in to become two, snake-like
slits.
“It’s
an alien!” yelled Mulder.
“It’s Voldemort!” yelled Harry.
But, as usual, it was Hermione who gave the most accurate answer. “Voldemort is an alien!”
“Yes,” said Voldemort, who now had a much higher, much colder voice than before. “I am an alien. Surely Harry, who grew up watching his cousin’s idiotic space shows, would have realized the physical similarities, but he is, unfortunately, a moron.”
“Am not,” said Harry.
“Are too,” said Voldemort.
“Am not,” said Harry.
“Are too,” said Voldemort.
“Not times infinity,” said Harry.
“Are times infinity plus one,” said Voldemort.
Harry frowned. “Shit. How am I supposed to beat infinity plus one?”
“You see,” said Voldemort, ignoring him. “My plan was perfect. I kill FBI agents in America. The news gets wind of it, reports it, spends weeks on end reporting it even though there is nothing new to report because you’d never have found the culprit, and every American would be so busy watching the news that they wouldn’t pay the slightest bit of attention to Europe, where I am, of course, taking over.”
“So that’s all this was, a plot to distract the American people?” said Scully.
“Yes,” said Voldemort. “I needn’t have bothered killing anybody though. If only I had thought of the evil plan to introduce reality television. Now that was a truly evil plot.”
Mulder drew his gun and pointed it at Voldemort’s face. “I’m going to kill you now,” he said.
“Don’t threaten me, Mulder,’ said Voldemort. “I’ve watched Ministers of Magic die.” And with that, Voldemort disapparated, leaving the five of them alone in the room with one very dead and slightly overcooked hamburger.
“Bummer,” said Mulder. “He got away.”
He stewed for a minute and then shrugged and said, ‘back to the hotel?”
“Hell
yeah,” said Hermione.
Mulder and Hermione ran out of the room, followed closely by Ron and Scully.
Once again Harry was left alone.
He left the building and went out into the street, where he saw that a beautiful, curvaceous, 16-year old redhead was waiting for him.
He smiled. “Hello, Ginny.”
“Heard you were taking a vacation in this area,” she said.
“Man, have I got a story to tell you,” he told her.
“Can it, I have a hotel room waiting for us.”
Harry Potter’s cocky grin returned. “Let’s go then.”