Secret Hideout of the
Cigarette Smoking Man
7:31 pm
Alex “Ratboy” Krycek
approached his master’s favorite chair cautiously.
He heard the soft, metallic flick of a lighter and the saw a ring of smoke curl up over the chair, illuminated only by the moonlight.
“What have you to report?” asked the Cigarette Smoking Man.
“Marita,” said Ratboy. “She’s told the Potter boy everything.”
“Excellent,” said the CSM. “And did they have lots of hot, sweaty sex?”
Krycek nodded. “I didn’t want to leave,” he admitted with a quiver in his voice. “I’ve never been so hot in my life. It was like hiding on a porn movie set.”
CSM nodded. “Good,” he said softly, more to himself than Krycek.
“Master,” said Krycek. “Marita should be punished for her betrayal right?”The CSM rose, took a drag, and walked over to Krycek. “You’d like it if I ordered you to punish her, wouldn’t you?” he said.
Krycek nodded.
“Yes,” said CSM. “I bet you’d like to punish her like the naughty girl she is, wouldn’t you?” Krycek nodded, clearly hopeful his master would let him. The CSM let his hope dangle like sopping wet laundry on a clothesline before he said, “leave her alone, Ratboy. She’s done exactly what she was supposed to do.”
“But Master, her betrayal,” whimpered Krycek.
“Do not question me again, Ratboy,” said the CSM. “Or it will be you who is being punished, and I doubt you will find it so enjoyable.”
“Yes master,” whimpered Ratboy.
“Now,” said the CSM. “Go and complete the final leg of you mission. You have two more FBI agents to kill, do you not?”
Krycek nodded. “Yes master, Mulder and Scully.”
“Well, be off with you, then,” said the CSM, waving his hand to shoo Krycek away.
Coney Island
Harry, Ron and Mulder sat at one table while Scully and Hermione sat at another.
“How was she?” asked Ron.
“She was great,” Mulder responded. “Everything a Hogwarts schoolgirl should be. How was Scully?”
“Scully was a demon,” said Ron. “Full of fire and passion. She tore away at me until I was her little slave. And I loved every minute of it.”
“I got laid too,” said Harry, trying to push his way into the conversation. “Her name was Marita, and she knew about our case."
But Ron and Mulder paid no attention to him.
“Did she use handcuffs on you?” Mulder asked Ron.
Ron nodded. “But not on my wrists.”
“Oh that’s hot,” said Mulder, drooling slightly.
“What about Hermione?” asked Ron. “Did she do The Imperius Curse on you to make her your slave?”
Mulder leaned into Ron and whispered, “she let me do it to her.”
Ron gasped. “What
did you make her do?”
On the other side of the restaurant, whispering in quieter tones than the
boys, Scully and Hermione compared notes in an equal fashion.
“It was kind of a weird shape,” said Scully.
Hermione
nodded. “He tried an engorgement charm on it during his second year with
his broken wand and all. It went horribly wrong. Madam Pomfrey put it back
as best she could, but I’m afraid he’ll never be the same. Of course,
Ron thinks I don’t know anything about it, but it’s all over the
girls locker room.”
“Well.” Said Scully. “He certainly didn’t have a broken wand this time.”
Hermione nodded. “He did the vibrating wand thing to you? Yeah, a lot of guys at Hogwarts do that.”
Scully squirmed in her seat at the memory of the vibrating wand before asking, “what about Mulder? What did he do?”
“Role playing,” answered Hermione, taking a sip of her pop. “He wanted to be the director of the FBI, I was his intern.”
Scully smiled. “He asked me to do that once when he was really drunk. I probably would’ve too, but he passed out a minute later and didn’t remember anything the next morning.”
The simultaneous discussions on the afternoon’s activities were suddenly interrupted when Ratboy stormed into the Café and aimed his wand at Scully. Harry, the only person not so deeply engrossed in any discussion, was the fastest to have his wand out and yell “expelliarmus!”
Ratboy’s wand flew out of his hand and landed behind the Pacman machine that sat against a wall nearby. Ratboy wasted no time at all pulling a gun out and shooting at Scully, but by this time, Hermione had her wand out and yelled, “deflecto!” The two bullets Krycek fired deflected off of Hermione’s spell and hit windows on either side of Ratboy.
But it was Ron’s spell that finished him off once and for all. He aimed his wand and uttered a long forgotten ancient incantation. “I see London, I see France. I see Ratboy's underpants!”
Ratboy’s pants instantly disappeared to reveal white boxers specked with little hearts all over. Ratboy dropped the gun and covered his crotch, but Scully tackled him before he could run off.
“Gimmie back my pants,” cried Ratboy.
“Not until you tell us where your master is hiding out,” said Harry.
“No,” whimpered Ratboy. “Please, I can’t.”
“Oh you can’t,” said Ron. “How about if I give you an atomic wedgie?”
“No,” pleaded Ratboy. “Not the atomic wedgie”
Taking her by surprise, Ratboy kicked Scully off of him and began to Disapparate, but Harry grabbed him. And Mulder grabbed Harry, and Scully grabbed Mulder, and Hermione grabbed Scully, and Ron eagerly grabbed Hermione's butt and they were all pulled into Ratboy’s Disapparation with him.